BE A BITCH!
i'm only going to say this once.
I was sitting at my neighborhood coffee shop, perusing the wifi and enjoying unlimited cold brews (a death sentence. don’t indulge. one of the baristas recognized me and now refuses to let me pay for coffee).
People watching as I often do- it’s where i get most of my inspiration but i also happened to be tackling a barrage of neglected emails too.
One of the baristas ended their shift and joined friends for catch up and coffee outside- where she began to almost immediately get something off of her chest.
I tuned in and out, focusing on my task at hand when my little ears (i have very tiny ears if you didn’t know, and now you know) eased in to the conversation at hand.
The lovely lady was grappling with an all male production crew- what imagine to be a film project she’s working on- and tensions have run high. clashing has begun, and she’s had trepidation about radical honest conversation and accountability check in.
You could see the weight in her shoulders and in her chest- this feeling of being incredibly restrained but also this nagging need- or rule that she had to be considered in her approach. Her friends both lovely gentlemen, tried to lend encouragement.
“maybe you should talk to them one on one so it doesn’t feel like you’re combative” - one said, sipping his cappuccino.
“i could- but i just- i just feel like they’re going to label me this toxic bitch or something and i’m the only girl on the crew”- she said.
she kept turning her coffee cup, staring into the foam.
“They’re going to call you a bitch whether you say anything or don’t - you might as well say something”- I said.
I shocked myself. I put my hand over my mouth.
Oh my god i never jump into people’s conversations.
Omg omg.
They all turned and her eyes lit up.
“Think about it.
Any woman in history
who
was
worth
remembering
has gotten called a bitch!
And trust me, I know what that label feels like.
But think about it- bitches get shit done”.
I slammed my laptop closed, preparing for a french exit (i had my beret on!)
As i prepared to leave, we spoke one on one- and thankfully she regained the confidence (and frankly the right sage advice) to stand up for herself in the situation she was in.
So i thought i’d share a little reminder from someone who has some of the greatest villain lore about me in the history books:
bitches get shit done.
they’re going to call you a bitch whether you speak up or not.
trust me- i spent many years in my career trying to be the “nice” one.
always considered.
the one who brought cookies and cupcakes to the meeting.
the one who memorized birthdays and sent gifts.
the one who showed up to hospital rooms with flowers and snacks.
i paid for these girl’s surgeries. another story for another day.
they still called me a bitch.
you’re not nearly as bitchy as they make you out to be.
once i kind of owned it i was always intrigued on the harrowing narratives about me.
intrigued.
amused.
also shocked: but people always need to be the innocent lamb in their retelling of the story.
i was complex- and firm- but always fair.
i was a bitch but i wasn’t an entitled brat.
yes i had a rider- with green M+M clauses.
and you would too if you were constantly being commodified and exploited- as i was. it’s the very least of debt repatriation i was owed.
*files nails*
being the lone wolf, the bitch, the villain- it’s a lot of work.
someone’s gotta do it- otherwise, the work never really gets done.
Be a Bitch.
Because for many years they called me and a host of other women a bitch simply for having a standard or having boundaries or being unafraid to speak her mind.
Women who get called bitch- are unfortunately scapegoated for not following that stupid rule that we should be these docile, obedient vessels awaiting direction.
Also- narratives are important:
am i really intimidating?
or are you unassured in yourself and therefore, intimidated by me?
words matter. framing matters.
Right.
Anywho:
you’re gentle reminder to be a bitch this week.
say the thing.
set the boundary.
demand the raise.
+ side eye that annoying co-worker who puts their workload onto you and say NO.
did they put they ketchup on your sandwich even though you said no twice at the register?
tell them to remake that shit
- and don’t you even dare say sorry.
did they make you’re coffee wrong today?
it’s just coffee beans and water and overpriced milk- tell them to remake it.
(i do however advise everyone- don’t ever send your food back to the kitchen!!! i worked in food service. don’t don’t!)
Be a bitch who loves being a bitch.
If you’re going to be called a bitch you might as well be a good one. a dynamic one. an iconic one.
Once you get past the whole misunderstood phase and “why me”? there’s a liberating experience that happens. It did for me.
I stopped apologizing (I had the unfortunate habit of always saying sorry).
I stopped seeking permission and named what i needed (instead of “may i” it’s “this is my price”).
If people move funny, i just mirror it until I get bored and move on.
Because that’s what iconic bitches do.
Be A Bitch this week.
You’ll feel better and the secret is youre not nearly as bitchy they’ll make you out to be.
i see you darling. let em know!
Peace and Love,
Aria
